I’ve been an adult for a couple of decades now and one big difference between when I was a child* and now is that [in theory] no one can turn my no into a yes except myself. Consent and all that.
But there are so many times (SO. MANY. TIMES.) that I am presented with a thing, that I maybe signed myself up for even, but in the moment of actually doing it, I just don’t wanna. Like I have a gym membership, but do I go? No. Because? Sometimes because of my asthma, but mostly because when I’m able to go, I don’t wanna. And it’s the kind of “I don’t wanna” that a little bit of slowing down and working on could turn around into a “maybe I do wanna”. But when I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna be pushy and reason with myself about it either, and no one else is really allowed to do that to me either except me. Consent and all that.
I had a university tutorial tonight that I didn’t wanna go to. Because I didn’t choose it myself (I chose a different time but got reallocated to this one), because I didn’t feel prepared (I hadn’t done the readings), and because I just didn’t wanna. Right up to the start time of the tutorial I was flip flopping between whether or not I’d go. But then I went. I didn’t switch my camera or mic on except during breakout rooms, because I didn’t wanna. I didn’t go in with a commitment to stay to the end, I just went in and kept staying a bit longer till it got to the end and I’d stayed the whole time. And I wasn’t an “enthusiastic yes” to the whole experience by a long shot. But I challenged my “soft no” and turned it into a “soft yes” and at the end of it I was glad I went. Relieved, proud of myself, and felt like I learned something and experienced positive outcomes and grew. I even had a really good breakout room experience with my fellow students, especially considering how reluctant and unprepared I had felt throughout.
In his book Atomic Habits, James Clear talks about “the Goldilocks rule” – the key to finding the sweet spot for achieving meaningful growth. This sweet spot is the optimal challenge zone that gets one motivated and into a state of flow. A level of challenge that is just outside one’s comfort zone – within reach from one’s starting point so it’s not discouraging, and just beyond the starting point (apparently the exact measure is 4% beyond) so that it’s not boring. I definitely felt like tonight’s tutorial was in that sweet spot for me. Challenging enough to feel like a mental stretch but so within reach at the same time, and reinforcing the benefits of not letting my soft no dictate my ultimate actions when I don’t wanna (but actually maybe I do wanna).
ACT (Acceptance and Commitment Therapy) promotes something similar in its concept of “committed action” – action that is in line with one’s values, that is pursued despite discomfort or other emotional obstacles. I like having vocabulary for all of this because it helps me frame my relationship to my internal yes/no states as a kind of superficial consent vs deeper consent, and allows me greater space to get acquainted with my own ultimate consent lines, and act accordingly.
*I’m not saying a child’s no should be turned into a yes in a way that an adult’s shouldn’t. But I grew up in a time and place where it was what it was.
Mouthful of Ahimsa 